Today's Assignment 10/28/11

Take five sticky notes. On each one, write "you're beautiful just as you are, and I love you." Put them in places where you'll see them every day - computer monitor, fridge, bathroom mirror.

People often resist these exercises for being "goofy." I often wonder if that's really where the resistance is.

Many of us have spent much of our lives learning less positive self messages. This is just a little tiny mind hack to start turning that around.

Happy Friday! Let me know how this goes!

Today's assignment 10/27/11

Send a quick text or email to someone, telling them that you're glad they are in your life. Choose someone who wouldn't immediately expect that from you.

Today's Assignment 10/26/11

I've been doing a "Today's Assignment" for my friends on Facebook, and it dawned on me that it would be a lovely addition to the Doc Blog. So, let's go!

Today's Assignment: Listen patiently, with compassion. Don't worry about what it means for you. Think about what it means for them.

Ask the Doc - Am I burning my therapist out?

Life has been a struggle for me lately. It seems like all I ever bring into my therapy sessions is an endless parade of bummers. Sometimes I worry that I'm too much for my therapist. Is that possible? Can too many bad events burn my therapist out?

The one thing I can tell you for sure is that you're not alone in your concern. It's easy to see your therapist as someone who is "paid to hear bad news." That feels pretty unbalanced. You certainly don't want a therapist who tells you all of their problems, but it can feel strange to just dump yours on someone.

I can't speak for every therapist, of course, but I've had conversations with plenty of clients who worry that they're bringing me down. Many colleagues deal with the same questions from clients, and we talk about what that means. Sometimes, concern about sharing things with your therapist can be a sophisticated defense against getting to what really bugs you. Sometimes you're just dealing with a social norm that doesn't apply to the therapy setting. Whatever the reason for it, undue concern for your therapist's well-being can definitely get in the way of getting your therapy work done.

I can honestly say that, while I think of my clients and their worries between sessions, I am infinitely more satisfied with the job I'm doing when a client "burdens" me than when they protect me. For many people, that act of "protecting" people is what has stood in the way of their ability to fully experience their emotions. And I firmly believe that until we can accept and experience our true emotions, we can't live a full and balanced life.

If you broke your finger, would you try and protect your physician's feelings by pretending that it didn't really hurt that much? Would you understate your pain so your doctor didn't go home and worry about you? Likely not. While it's okay to show physical pain in our culture, mental pain is a much more complicated subject. And as a therapist, it's my job to provide a comfortable and trusting environment with well-defined boundaries so you can fully experience your emotions without thinking that it's causing problems for me.

I'm much more tired after a day of trying to turn a casual conversation into something worth my clients' time than I am after a fully-connected, fully-disclosing session with someone who is really doing the therapy work. That's what I'm there to do. There's a lot of satisfaction that comes with feeling as though you have really helped someone by connecting with them.

This doesn't mean that your every visit to the therapist should include wailing, teeth-gnashing and the rending of garments. But, if you need to get there and you're worried that it will be too tough for your therapist, it's time to have an open and honest conversation about that very thing during your next session.

Overcoming your fears

I was interviewed for a post on Lifehacker that ran this morning. Good information from several sources, including yours truly!

If you're here from that post, welcome! Please feel free to stick around for a while. I'm easy to find at drjeff@gmail.com if you've got any questions or comments.

Ask the Doc: How much should I email my therapist?

In this day and age, I use email for as much as I can. Sometimes I've got a question for my therapist in between appointments. Should I email her?

Therapists, like pack mules or carrier pigeons, sometimes have more trouble than most when it comes to grappling with modern accoutrements like computers and smartphones. I'm not sure why that is - with 4 teenagers around the house I have had to stay caught up or perish - but it seems like the psychology profession lags a little in this area.

That being said, your therapist should have a well-defined email policy, just like all of her other policies. For me, I draw the line at scheduling via email, and here's why. Email, as you know if you've ever used it (ha!) can be a very tricky medium when it comes to understanding emotional intent and emphasis. My work is all about emotion, and my concern is that one of us will misinterpret something that's said in a letter. Also, establishing an expectation that email will be returned sets up the potential for further misunderstanding. As I've said in the past, it is important to me that I treat all clients the same, and that all my clients understand my therapeutic "frame."

I have had clients express dismay that I won't engage in long email conversations between sessions, because their previous therapist was available 24/7 for them. They'd write, the therapist would respond. Some even continue the conversation after they are no longer a client. This is dangerous ground to tread, given the artificial immediacy of electronic communication, and sets the therapist up for possible ethical violations. Once someone is your therapist, that's their role. Converting clients to friends or confidantes via email is a very slippery slope.

So, in short, scheduling = yes. All other communication, especially therapeutic or just "saying hi," = no.

And, if you have any questions about this post, feel free to drop me an email, because I'm not your therapist. :)

Real life gratitude practice

Yesterday, my 12-year-old daughter and I were in my car, leaving the grocery store parking lot. As I started turning left on the green light, I saw a white blur out of the corner of my eye. Seconds later, we were crunched by a big white Dodge RAM pickup.

I was glad I'd caught a glimpse of him as he swung around a slower car and tried to make the light. I was able to turn away from the main impact, and my daughter and I walked away, mostly unscathed. She's got no soreness, and doesn't even seem that affected by the wreck. I'm banged up a bit, most likely because I was able to see him coming and that tensed me up.

I write a lot about gratitude here, and I really like to practice what I preach. So, here's what I'm thankful for:

First and foremost, I'm thankful that no one was injured.

I'm thankful that the guy who hit us was covered by insurance.

I'm glad it wasn't my fault.

I'm thankful for the reminder that cars, for the most part, are big scary things. I'll bear that
in mind next time I feel like my light rail commute is taking too long.

I'm glad that I had my car as long as I did. I loved that car. It will be missed. I'm also
thankful for the reminder that things are just that - things. A car can be replaced. People can't.

And, I'm thankful that this unfortunate event has brought me back to my blog. I hope you've missed it as much as I have. Life's too short not to blog!

More soon!