Saturday, November 26, 2011

Is the myth of closure keeping you from moving on?

My friend Dr. Internet tells me that closure is "necessary," and "important," and "essential to moving on after a relationship ends." You know closure - it's that amazing thing that happens after you have that conversation like they have in the movies, and you both realize that you're better off, and that you've made the right decision. The movies say that this happens just prior to a big plot shift, like finding happiness in your life or maybe fighting a bunch of ninjas.

Unlike Dr. Internet, Dr. Jeff thinks that, for the most part, closure is a LIE.

I've written about grief before, and about the things people do to try and cheer you up. For the most part, "this is for the best" is friend-code for "I don't really want to face your grief." Closure is what we do to ourselves to try and avoid the grieving.

So many people go through life thinking that if they can pick their way through the minefield in exactly the right way, nothing will ever explode. We enter relationships with people who we don't really match, and then we spend all of our time trying to say and do the things that will somehow change that person. We manage our outward appearance and massage our social impressions just so, in the hope that everyone we ever encounter will like us. And, we try and find just the right thing to say to "finish up" a relationship.

The truth is that we are the sum of all of our experiences. Just because someone has died, or moved on, doesn't mean that they are no longer a part of who we are. We try and reach closure so we don't have to just sit with the knowledge that something sad has happened. We try and mask the loss by telling ourselves that the loose ends are all wrapped up now and we never will think of that person again, that we will never have to grieve the fact that they're gone.

Here's a thought: What if we just keep them all with us, forever? They don't have to be in the front of the line. We don't have to store them on that shelf at eye-level. But, what if we accept that in our complex minds, there's room for everyone? Sit with the loss. Accept some of the blame. Forgive the other person, over time. Feel love and gratitude for what they've brought to your life. Then, carefully place them somewhere within yourself where they're no longer as important, but still just as big a part of you as every other experience. Let a favorite song take you back, and make you cry, and then move to the next moment in your life.

Take the energy you've spent fighting off the existence of your grief, and put that energy into creating more love to put into the world. You'd be surprised at how easy that gets when you practice.

12 comments:

  1. thanks for posting this stuff. it's really helpful :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. This was a big issue for me with clients; realizing that the end of the case/getting judgment wasn't going to make them whole or bring about the mythical "closure" -- I spent a lot of time trying to get them to understand this, but sadly, I don't think I ever succeeded.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh thank you very much. Very good advice and I am hoping I will be able to follow it and get to the point where I no longer play the blame game.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks, Dr. Jeff! I thought I'd gotten immune to the myth of closure years ago, but it's been dogging me lately with a huge relationship loss. Realizing that where I've gotten might be as far as there is to go for now is a relief.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I really needed to read this ... thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks for reading, everyone. Glad it helps!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is a really big thing that I need to learn to do regarding past relationships, I think, more than even with deaths of loved ones. I have this idea of *needing* closure. Thanks for the perspective.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Tim - It's really common to feel like we NEED closure - after all, that's what we've been taught over and over again.

    The goal isn't to master it. The goal is just to find the beauty in working on it.

    Thanks for reading!

    ReplyDelete
  9. This is one of the most helpful things I've read on grief and closure. I do spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid grief, which is inevitable right now. I have been picking my way through the minefield for a long time, looking for just the right thing to say that would make my dad want to be a part of my life.

    It's hard to just sit with the loss, but it's crazy-making to keep putting energy into a relationship that just isn't there.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Taffy - Thanks for the comment. We all pick our way through the minefield. I think it's part of what makes us human. It's just good to know that we're not missing some "perfect path," and that others have been through here before.

    I think a big part of wisdom is simple acceptance. Here's hoping you can tolerate the sitting with loss part. It takes practice!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you for the kind response. I really like the blog, by the way. There's a lot of great stuff here! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm glad you're reading! Stay tuned - lots of new content coming, and we're migrating to a new, nicer site.

    ReplyDelete